Since it's the holidays, I decided to make a little Xmas gift for the world! And, as gifts are meant to be, I am giving it, to all of you, free of charge! Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah everybody!

[link]

My friend wrote this up for a myspace bulliten.
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BELLA SWAN
The dullest, whiniest, and most weak-willed bitch of a main character you'll ever find outside of online fanfiction. If the name didn't give it away already, she's nothing but a self-insertion for the author, Stephenie. The name "Bella" is actually Italian for "beautiful", so her name actually means "beautiful swan". Like oh-so-many protagonists for romance novels, she's the "average, ordinary, everyday girl" archetype, and constantly gets into life-endangering situations from which she cannot herself escape, thus becoming a damsel in distress. In an attempt to not make her absolutely perfect, the author gave her a fault of being really, ridiculously clumsy.

EDWARD CULLEN
The vampire of Bella's affection, he is at least a hundred years old and is a vegetarian vampire and a good guy since he abstains from eating humans, but pet owners beware! He could be eating your cat as you are reading this! There is no moment where he isn't in complete control of Bella. When it comes to her, he is unyielding and possessive and not hesitant to have a bite of anyone else who considers doing her, including Jacob. What fans of Twilight seemingly fail to realize is that such qualities (overbearing possessiveness, watching Bella while she sleeps and so on) are more often found in sex offenders than the perfect man. Such things can apparently be ignored/forgiven when love is supposedly involved. Edward can also read people's minds, a skill he frequently uses to cheat on game shows. However, he can't read Bella's mind, because she is special and unique like a pretty snowflake. However, it is revealed in Twilight 2: Electric Boogaloo that Edward can't read Bella's mind because, in all actuality, she has no brain waves and/or thoughts. Yeah, she's that kind of special.

JACOB
A Native American werewolf teenager with a massive sex drive (virgin). Jacob is also an obsessive fanboy over Bella. His lust for Bella conflicting with Edward's lust for Bella causes Twilight fans to have wars with each other, leading to mass internet bloodshed and emo tears. One half of the fanbase raves, complete with big fangirl tears, that Bella is going to marry Jacob, the other half believes Bella is going to marry Edward. But don't get this confused with all the other totally original vampire/werewolf romance novels.

THE BABY
Nessie Cullen is Bella and Edward's mutant hybrid spawn-of-Satan kid. It was nicknamed after the Loch Ness Monster, Bella's true love interest. Its full name is Renesmee Carlie Cullen and for entirely obvious and pertinent reasons that are relevant to the storyline, it has an extra chromosomal pair, making it a werewolf as well. Many lulz are had at this, as anyone with even the most rudimentary understanding of biology knows that an extra chromosomal pair results in Down's Syndrome, not werewolves. According to the author of this shit storm, vampire + human = werewolf (see Munsters) because FUCK YOU SCIENCE.
Besides being really cute and having lots of pretty white teeth, Nessie also has the joy of growing super-fast; which is ironic since vampires aren't supposed to age, so it proves the author doesn't even know her own mythology. Its soon-to-be-husband Jacob only has to wait seven years to begin the banging.

THE PLOT
The books are cooking in the cesspool of the modern monster-drama genre, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and the Anita Blake series, where instead of being terrifying and ripping people in half, the monsters live among humans, go to high school, and shine like a thousand crystals under the sun. More than half of each book is characters giving wry smiles, chuckling, hissing, glaring, and raising eyebrows during vapid and angsty conversation. The stories are written in the first person, from Bella Swan's point of view - but since she's an insipid airhead, it's easy for the reader to forget. If you dig a hole in middle-class suburbia and throw in a 16-year-old girl, a self-loathing emo vampire and a date-raping werewolf, you get the gist of the series. TL;DR: a hopeless romantic bitch obsesses over her vampire boyfriend who's been a virgin for a century.

THE END

~Kuinushi_Inuzuka~, on 13 November 2009 - 09:46 PM, said:

Wii is the best of the three, by far. Sure, it has alot of kids games, but its the most advanced.

The ps3 is just another playstation with blueray added, and the xbox 360 is really just another xbox if you ask me. I think it's microsoft, it might be sony though, that was making some kind of no-remote/control system, but didn't sony already do that with the eye toy? Big deal, I'd rather have a wii-mote in my hand anyways. Now, when we have one of those virtual video game systems I'll be impressed lol

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diggles, on 14 November 2009 - 05:29 PM, said:

sorry, but I have to say you are sorrily mistaken. the wii is by FAR the worst of all three systems. Like, hands down. Just terrible.

I HAVE a wii. and I don't even have the other two. And I STILL know. the wii is horrible.

It's a system that PRETENDS to be next gen. It says it is, but it's graphics aren't even HD. on top of that, it can't even play a basic dvd, let alone an HD or blue-ray.

It has the most guarantee of hardware fail, because it based almost ENTIRELY on motion control. Why the hell would I want to use a controller that secretly wishes to be a tv remote? THAT'S EFFIN RETARDED.

And on top of that, it isn't just that 'there are kids games', it's that practically every game ever MADE for the wii was terrible. Only a select few were actually considered high quality games.

And then the wii gets games like Call of Duty 5, and it PRETENDS to be as good as the PS3 and 360? but as always, it fails at it. Condensed maps, less weapons, crappier graphics, and then... the worst of it all.

The multiplayer.

I mean, dear god...

the wii version of COD 5 only allows up to FOUR ppl on each team.

FOUR!

and most games, only allow up to four IN ALL!


How can the wii version of COD 5 compete with ps3 or 360 when they've got matches with up to 32 players? (im not sure about this amount, i dont have these systems, like i said. so it could be less, or more. but I guarantee you it's MUCH more than what the wii version offers).

Oh yeah, and the fact that you cant use usernames online! ya got F%^&KIN FRIEND CODES!

Who has time memorize that crap?

No, no. The Nintendo Wii is terrible. A waste of money, and just a 'no buy'

It's not even worth the cheap (in comparison to the other systems) $250 it's sold for.

My family bought it to get healthy, and use wii fit.

That summer was the longest I've ever spent on my wii in a given time frame.

since then, I have NEVER played it once a day. I'm lucky to play it a few times a month.

and I don't mean a certain game. I mean the WII.

Yeah. Sorry, just my opinion.

An opinion that is, unfortunately, a fact.

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Yes, this 'diggles' is in fact me. :3 I was on a roll.

Tell me what you all think of my critique/review.

Was it funny?

Was it true?

when a person just figures it out.

when a person has a sort of epiphany, that makes all things become clear.

they don't expect it, but it comes full force.

when someone cares about someone, and that person does something terrible.

something so bad, that it just 'clicks'.

but the one he or she affected does not hurt, or at least show pain, for they are used to it.

time and again, the same male or female has failed the other.

and so now, the one who was failed, sits back, and thinks, about how clear it now is.

and although they will NEVER be able to trust or treat the other person the same way again...

the one who was hurt feels...

at peace...

so thanks.

you failed me again...

and it was the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me.

i'm free.